Autistic Communication with Eternal Providence

Continued from previous.
If you remember John Nash, a mathematics genius, who had been plagued by schizophrenia, you would remember that part of his schizophrenia were voices due to patterns that he could perceive.

Being autistic, I too see messages in patterns of information and data. I don’t want to say I am schizo like John Nash. Perhaps, I am. Being autistic, I have to depend on patterns. I've learned to know if a person is unhappy because I have a reservoir of patterns and their mappings stored in my memory. I have trained myself to appear like normal people thro building up my reservoir of patterns and responses. But it does not always work, because it is impossible for my reservoir to cover the whole spectrum of human existence.

Therefore, inevitably, the way I try to communicate with Eternal Providence is totally different from most people. My autism requires me to communicate and perceive my world thro patterns.

I have found that when you wish to communicate with your young little children, you have to establish a base-line. Your normal mode of communication must be as quiet and low tone as effectively possible. In that way, you would not have to yell at your children, because you would have a wide spectrum of emotional and personality variation that you could convey a message in an extremely strong way when necessary, without going into a yelling mode.

Hugging your child in any circumstances is so important, because hugging conveys messages beyond verbal means especially for an autistic parent. You have to indulge in her fantasies and childish talk.

I have to address G’d in similar patterns. Do I say that G’d is a child and I have to treat Him like a child in my communication? No. I am simply acknowledging that I have no idea who G’d is.

I am well aware of JI Packer who wrote the book “knowing god”. I have read the 1st ten pages of that book. I am also well-aware of Christians and Muslims who propose a “personal relationship” with their god, and that thro their respective religious figureheads, they achieve the ultimate knowledge of their god. They believe the holy spirit of their god becomes the interface thro which they can legally claim to know the totality of their god, even though they personally have no intellectual understanding of their god.

I want to presume I have a higher intelligence than JI Packer, lying between the  top 250 to top 900 of the population. Perhaps, on the lower end. With all the intellect that I could grasp and understand G’d, I still would prefer to believe that what my intellect has managed to grasp is infinitesimal to the being of G’d. I have to communicate that baseline to G’d by indicating to Him I am unable to spell the references to Him in full. I want to give myself as huge as possible a range of emotional, intellectual, personality variation as possible in my communication with Him. I ration my communication variation so that He gets a clear message of what I need to communicate to Him. So that when a message is so extremely important, that I could have a full range of emotional and intellectual outburst at Him. You know, the principle of crying wolf as infrequently as possible. I have to create buckets of my quantization of crying wolf. So that the pattern of each wolf call is differentiable from another. I need to establish the widest possible vocabulary with my G'd, to overcome my deficiency due to autism.

Maybe certain people prefer to profess that they know G’d in totality. That would be really unsatisfactory to me.

I remember in my younger days, when I had fasted to skimp on expenses to save up on a particular piano. When it came to buying it, I suddenly decided to abandon buying the piano. The frustration that entailed with that decision was immense but I had wanted so badly to tell G’d a message (unrelated to the piano) in the most extreme way possible.

The Hebrew word that is translated as sacrifice is [קורבן] from the root radical [קרב] (QRV). [קרב] is  the root radical to convey closeness, intimacy, encounter, conflict. For example, [קרב] itself means to be near.

I know that a lot of Christians accuse Jews of “having forgotten” how to pronounce the Eternal Name of the LORD. I don’t think I need to elaborate. If Christians are satisfied with the baseline of pronouncing the Identity of G’d verbally – let them be satisfied with the meals so afforded. I am hungry, and I need to perceive a baseline for my hunger. The Identity of G'd must lie in infinite dimensions, and pronouncing verbally the Identity would be pejorative.

That is enough already. In Qabbalah understanding, it is not good to reveal too much. I don’t think I should reveal too much any further, because it would not benefit anyone’s choice of relationship with G’d. I am constrained by my autism so that I use extreme modes of communication with my G’d. There is so much more degrees I try in my communication with Him, and all of them still seem so deficient and inadequate.

People around me could suffer the consequences of my manipulative communication with G'd, simply because I had not cared to measure the consequences. A little knowledge can be so dangerous and devastating. He didn't have to destroy those people's lives. I just cannot understand why He did. I can only hope they are coincidences. I have to believe they are coincidences.

People could choose to use jesus, mohammed, gandhi, hillary clinton or khrisna to do the communication for them.. But, I don’t feel a comfortable or effectiveness having my communication passing thro a proxy. I drive a manual car because I need to feel my communication with the road beneath me. I am not comfortable driving an automatic.

It is not necessary or possible that other people approach G’d in the same manner that I do. It is their preference and capacity in their communicating with their Creator.